She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
