I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
