i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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