my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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