Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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