she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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