Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
