i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
