Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Pooping to opera.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
