He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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