i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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