I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
