Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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