his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
