i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
