If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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