My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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