I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
