Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
