i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
