Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
