i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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