I am in a vortex of obligation.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize