That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
