Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
