I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
