What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
