I swear she didn't look like that last week.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
