did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Please, let me fuck your mom
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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