omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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