I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Little spoons don't ask big questions
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
