Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
