every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
