My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
