I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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