There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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