it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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