VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
