i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
