I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
