not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
