no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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