I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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