I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I need to calm my uterus...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
