god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
