Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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