Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
