I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
