Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize