the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
