Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
