he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
