I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
50% drunk capacity currently
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize