The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
