I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
