I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
